PILL THE DOG

 

1) MARKET ME


    I've been asked to say a few words on how I got to be so famous.

    I could start with all that childhood BS or go straight to some Holden Caufield kind of crap, but the truth is, I did it all myself, without any help from anyone else or without some driving trauma, some Hollywood-styled turning-point-tragedy.

    Nope, nothing like that ever happened to me. There was no way anyone could have ever predict
ed the incredible fame and success I would achieve. I was never voted Most Popular or Most Likely to Succeed in high school. No, I did it strictly on my own.

    I could cut to the chase and tell you my secrets, but that's not why they're paying me. However, I can toss out one early secret now, and one that still serves me.

    Early on, I knew who I was, how important I was going to be, how famous I one day would become, and I set about creating that person, molding and shaping that incredible individual, making it happen.

    So if there is one central special secret that drives me -- makes me, me being me -- then I would have to say it is knowledge, self-knowledge. I knew I was different, and better, than everybody else.

    I know, I know, this sounds like some sort of self-help formula, how to get a positive image, some book titled "Think Right, Be Right" or some such nonsense -- and I'd be the first to admit that I think all that power of positive thinking stuff is just a bunch of BS. Sort of a national pastime we seem to be going through for the past ten years and god knows how much longer.

    But the truth is, well, that's the truth. I just knew who I was, who I am, and what my destiny would be.

    When I was twenty-three, I started getting all those advertising surveys in the mail. You know the ones. They randomly select addresses to mail out these weird questionnaires that ask all sorts of personal question about you. Like what kind of deodorant do you use? How many TV's did you buy last year? Did you visit a foreign county? For business? Or pleasure? Do you intend to upgrade your computer this year? If you had a choice between real cheese or a cheese spread, which would you pick?

    Anyway, right then and there, I decided to tell them -- not who I was -- but who I wanted to be. And I've been doing that ever since. I've continued that practice. Until today that is. Today, I'm telling all. The Truth.

    But back then, I was twenty-three years old. Six feet, two inches (I always wanted to be tall). White, of course. About one hundred and eighty-five pounds. I belonged to a gym and worked out "intensely" three to four days a week. I rode a bicycle and owned a SAAB 900. I made three times what most men my age made (then about $150 K). I ate out three to four times a week, usually on business. (It's important to always make it seem like everything is about your business.) I buy at least two, sometimes four, new suits a year. I drink, but only socially and only one or two days a week. And yes, I've tried drugs, and I do augment my nutrition with supplements.

    I became the target audience. I became the guy everybody wants to know, or wants to hang with, wants to be, or just plain wants.

    And I continue it to this day.

    Answer questionnaires that same way.

    Because every thing's a market survey of some sort really. Everybody's trying to figure out who you are, what kind of audience you are, what kind of target you are.

    So I still say, I'm twenty-three and I make three times want the average guy makes (although that three times amount has changed in ten years). And I still drive and do the yadda yadda yadda.

    Oh yeah.

    I'm still single.